Across the threshold...
Walking back into my home this morning I had a profound awakening. I suppose it is not by accident that the first room one approaches upon entering is the treatment room. The symbol of my life's work and all I have invested into my craft. So here I am...stepping across the threshold into the realization that life is not easy. I have been battling with myself the last few weeks. It's a common battle, a sinking really. It begins innocuously but soon consumes and takes over every cell of my body. I have been having these episodes from the time I was young so they are familiar. And I can say with all honesty as I have gotten older they have become a little more familiar and therefore slightly more manageable. But this morning....this morning brought a new awareness. This is life. This is the actual ebb and flow of my life. We are at danger in the spiritual world of believing that the goal is bliss. That if we are not existing in a state of bliss at all times then there is something we must do because whatever it is we are currently doing....we are clearly not doing it right. Sadness, confusion, fuzziness....no space for these things in the spiritual world. But this morning...this glorious morning...stepping into my treatment room...the space where people come to confront their demons and work through their blockages I remembered....I too am subject to these highs and lows. They are a part of the human experience.
Over the course of the last few weeks there has been an unraveling of sorts. I, the eternal strong one, who holds it all together under all circumstances began unraveling. Slowly at first so it wasn't really noticeable. Similar to when a thread comes loose on a favorite piece of clothing. And we tug at it a little but rather than releasing itself from the garment, it begins to pull the garment apart. So we cut the loose end and let it be. But as anyone knows...that thread will begin to unravel again. Unless it's tended to properly we are at risk of the entire garment eventually coming undone. So, I cut the little thread but didn't tend to the whole sweater. And so, as they do, the unacknowledged pain and loss and heartache came loose all at once. And in my humanness I try to make sense of it and put it all into the appropriate compartment so that I can continue on uninterrupted. How silly of me to think that would work.
So here I am. In the darkness. Trying to find even the tiniest speck of light to head in that direction. And then it comes. Like a blast of sunshine. And I think, okay, in the clear. Yet, as anyone knows who has been through the human experience it doesn't clear so easily. So back into the darkness I fell. And then there was this morning. The realization. The awakening. Life is hard sometimes. It throws some insanely fast and hard curve balls that we may not be equipped, at that time, to handle. So we compartmentalize again, knowing on some level we will eventually have to deal with it. And then that moment arises but we are so disconnected from self we don't recognize when it appears again for the processing to occur. So maybe we beat ourselves up for feeling, or deny the feeling, or avoid it all together. No matter how hard we try though it will always be there in the background waiting, and in some way affecting everything else. These are all tactics to get from point A to point B and serve their purpose in the moment but when the moment arises to face ourselves head on how do we show up? I realized this morning that I personally have not been very gentle with myself. When these moments of darkness and struggle arise I retreat out of fear and confusion. Yet all my spirit is asking for is acknowledgment. There is nothing to change or shift in that moment, just an ask from the highest self to be present with what is. At times we will fall into pits of despair, we will hurt and be hurt. We will be exponentially sad, feeling as if there is no purpose to the entire unfolding. And if we are able to allow ourselves to be in this space, to feel and be present with whatever the unfolding is, we will see that it is part of the living. It is life. I imagine we are all subject to different levels of the low. Some of us sink so far in that it really feels the darkness is all there is and it consumes us. Now I wonder if our stuckness in that space is because we are trying to convince ourselves that we "shouldn't" be feeling this way. There is something "wrong" with us and so we spin uncontrollably out of control. What would happen if we just retreated into the darkness, the sadness, the despair, the anger, the fear and gave it the airtime it was asking for?
This morning I came to a personal realization regarding all of it. I have been through some deeply profound traumas in the last year. I did not process those traumas because I have been taught that everything is time stamped and the appropriate amount of time had passed to mourn so we must move on now. As has become painfully clear, there is no time stamp. There are layers upon layers that are requiring attention. Rather than retreating, when these moments of darkness come to the surface I will honor them. I will give myself the time and space necessary to be present with my experience and nurture it as I do all those who come into my treatment room for healing. I will be gentle with myself and my own process. I will come back to my rituals and practices in order to reconnect with my essence self who is crying out to be seen and heard. I will listen intently to all she has to say and I will sit in the fire. I will sit in the unfolding. I will allow. I will not time stamp or give myself a limitation to how and when I should process and go through the layers of pain and sadness. I will get quiet. I will do all of this with an integrated knowing that this is a piece of my experience. The depth to which I feel and dive in is part of my gift. All of that muck is like kindling for the fire. Without it the fire would not be able to ignite.
So here I am. Crossing the threshold into my own healing. Into my own treatment. Into my own understanding that with the light there must be dark. And it will be an eternal experience in this human existence. So I rise in this moment to the unfolding and I honor all of the cycles that have come before this moment and all that will come after. I am here. Now.
Over the course of the last few weeks there has been an unraveling of sorts. I, the eternal strong one, who holds it all together under all circumstances began unraveling. Slowly at first so it wasn't really noticeable. Similar to when a thread comes loose on a favorite piece of clothing. And we tug at it a little but rather than releasing itself from the garment, it begins to pull the garment apart. So we cut the loose end and let it be. But as anyone knows...that thread will begin to unravel again. Unless it's tended to properly we are at risk of the entire garment eventually coming undone. So, I cut the little thread but didn't tend to the whole sweater. And so, as they do, the unacknowledged pain and loss and heartache came loose all at once. And in my humanness I try to make sense of it and put it all into the appropriate compartment so that I can continue on uninterrupted. How silly of me to think that would work.
So here I am. In the darkness. Trying to find even the tiniest speck of light to head in that direction. And then it comes. Like a blast of sunshine. And I think, okay, in the clear. Yet, as anyone knows who has been through the human experience it doesn't clear so easily. So back into the darkness I fell. And then there was this morning. The realization. The awakening. Life is hard sometimes. It throws some insanely fast and hard curve balls that we may not be equipped, at that time, to handle. So we compartmentalize again, knowing on some level we will eventually have to deal with it. And then that moment arises but we are so disconnected from self we don't recognize when it appears again for the processing to occur. So maybe we beat ourselves up for feeling, or deny the feeling, or avoid it all together. No matter how hard we try though it will always be there in the background waiting, and in some way affecting everything else. These are all tactics to get from point A to point B and serve their purpose in the moment but when the moment arises to face ourselves head on how do we show up? I realized this morning that I personally have not been very gentle with myself. When these moments of darkness and struggle arise I retreat out of fear and confusion. Yet all my spirit is asking for is acknowledgment. There is nothing to change or shift in that moment, just an ask from the highest self to be present with what is. At times we will fall into pits of despair, we will hurt and be hurt. We will be exponentially sad, feeling as if there is no purpose to the entire unfolding. And if we are able to allow ourselves to be in this space, to feel and be present with whatever the unfolding is, we will see that it is part of the living. It is life. I imagine we are all subject to different levels of the low. Some of us sink so far in that it really feels the darkness is all there is and it consumes us. Now I wonder if our stuckness in that space is because we are trying to convince ourselves that we "shouldn't" be feeling this way. There is something "wrong" with us and so we spin uncontrollably out of control. What would happen if we just retreated into the darkness, the sadness, the despair, the anger, the fear and gave it the airtime it was asking for?
This morning I came to a personal realization regarding all of it. I have been through some deeply profound traumas in the last year. I did not process those traumas because I have been taught that everything is time stamped and the appropriate amount of time had passed to mourn so we must move on now. As has become painfully clear, there is no time stamp. There are layers upon layers that are requiring attention. Rather than retreating, when these moments of darkness come to the surface I will honor them. I will give myself the time and space necessary to be present with my experience and nurture it as I do all those who come into my treatment room for healing. I will be gentle with myself and my own process. I will come back to my rituals and practices in order to reconnect with my essence self who is crying out to be seen and heard. I will listen intently to all she has to say and I will sit in the fire. I will sit in the unfolding. I will allow. I will not time stamp or give myself a limitation to how and when I should process and go through the layers of pain and sadness. I will get quiet. I will do all of this with an integrated knowing that this is a piece of my experience. The depth to which I feel and dive in is part of my gift. All of that muck is like kindling for the fire. Without it the fire would not be able to ignite.
So here I am. Crossing the threshold into my own healing. Into my own treatment. Into my own understanding that with the light there must be dark. And it will be an eternal experience in this human existence. So I rise in this moment to the unfolding and I honor all of the cycles that have come before this moment and all that will come after. I am here. Now.
Well written and very heart felt Sarah. I connect with this on so many levels and time; both here in the present and past.
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