Grief

Grief is a hell of a thing. At the end of the day…when we are immersed in the feels…wandering from here to there…with so many intricacies in between one has to stop for a moment and really wonder…who in this world is given the opportunity to truly know the other. We spend so many of our moments positioning and watching and wondering….where are the moments and the individuals with which we are open and awakened to be fully free. Not only to the other but in true essence…to the self. The longer I am here on this plane the deeper I find my own withholding to self. The greater becomes the seeking of self through exploration. And this seeking can only be fully explored and awakened truly through the interaction of another. So here we are…back to the account of grief. And boy can this one show up in so many ways. You can find it in the traditional sense…we lose someone that is close…that means something to our lives and our own existence on this planet….and then the whole box opens up. Because through the experience of losing that person all of your connectivity comes into play. And then you start witnessing yourself in that relationship. And you witness all the places you held back or positioned or watched or wondered. And you begin to grieve those parts of yourself and the possibilities that will never come to fruition in that dynamic. And the grief deepens now beyond the loss of this person on this plane and into a loss of self. A loss of moments. A loss of opportunity to more deeply understand your own humanness in the interaction with another human who decided…who agreed to meet you here on this human plane.

And so we witness again….this unfolding. This new way of seeing and approaching. And wonder what will we do differently with this new knowing? How we will show up more authentically? Or will we? Grief is a hell of a thing you know? It has the potential to crack you wide open or conversely slide you deeper into the confines of yourself. And the fascinating thing is that in that space you are still in contract with your humanness which maybe in some way dictates how known you can possibly be in this lifetime. Is there anyone in this Earth realm who can claim to truly know thyself? And what does one do with this experience? What do we do with this wide expansive knowing in a world that may not be ready for such an existence. So then here comes grief again. A depth of sadness in the hiding….in the reclusiveness of self.

The deeper I go into my own knowing the more I realize there is so much I don’t know. There are so many facets to the self and the ways in which we have approached and experienced this life so far. I long to be seen in this world. In this life. I long for one person to get inside and want to uncover the pieces in the same way I have tried throughout the infinite lifetimes I have been exposed to myself. And I long to bare witness to their uncovering.

Grief is a hell of a thing. It cracks open the windows that may have been sealed shut for lifetimes. It tells a million infinite stories. It holds your hand and then throws you against the wall. It hides in the shadows and dances in the light. It cradles you to sleep only to wake you up in terror. All the while cracking open the window of vulnerability that often times is painted shut. Granting the opportunity to dive deep and explore…witness the depths with which we are able to feel. Granting us the opportunity to touch the thinly veiled wall between the worlds and drop all the armour for a brief moment.

That grief…I tell you…she’s a hell of a thing. She will make you forget and then remember in a million different ways. She will get you all tangled up in her misery only to release you into a new understanding…an old remembering…honesty. And she cracks you open again so more light can shine through. And just when you think you have understood her…when she begins to feel familiar as if she has made you her home…she will knock you over sideways again and remind you that it is in only in life that she can truly be known.