What If We Just Live Out Loud?
Life lessons from that Aries moon.
What a ride that was. I spent the whole of last weekend tangled up in a web of all my old stories and tapes. I'm not even sure I knew what was happening as it was happening...just that it was. And the emotional upheaval that came with it...wheweeee. It was a lot. But I also learned a lot and have come out on the other side in this new way so I wanted to share what I learned....
First there is great power in allowing. I didn't try to fight any of what was coming up or what I was feeling. I allowed the space to exist as it was. I witnessed the feelings and the thoughts without any additional story telling....or at least I attempted not to write new stories. There were moments where old tape came up mixed with an old pattern of wanting to rewind and replay with new details...but I just allowed the space to exist and attempted to maintain the witness perspective. Sometimes...the feels were incredibly overpowering and intense...almost physically revolting...so in those moments I would work to soften to allow them their voice and then to release from the space in which they had been holding on.
Secondly...if we do not allow things to have their proper movement and process they will become stored in our tissues, memories, psyches, and permeate our relationships. This comes with a certain level of unknowing because once the feeling or energy is stored...it embeds itself into places and makes itself at home. It may show itself at inopportune moments...but because the energy was never allowed the proper space the first time around...it's stuck in a limbo of trying to be recognized and processed coupled with personal fear of the initial incident, situation, or trauma that created the holding. This fear usually exists on a subconscious level because the trauma of the incident (as we have perceived it) was so great that at the time it occurred we were unable to recognize or process it on the conscious level. So....here we have an incident that was so personally intense to us that we created an adaptive lifestyle around it to potentially avoid facing it head on coupled with a lifetime of reactivity whenever it is triggered and a certain unknowing of what is actually happening when the triggering happens. The best space we can allow ourselves to be in at any given time is one of fully present awareness. The space in which we are here now with our thoughts, breath, emotions, and physical sensations so that in the moments of such incidents we are able to recognize and process what is happening and not hold on to and store it for a lifetime of unwinding and reactivity.
Thirdly...being witness to the self is a truly challenging place to be. It requires a deep level of commitment and honesty that many of us have not been taught in our young or adult lives. We have grown up in a world that has taught various levels of cloaking and hiding the essence of who we are for various reasons. It may be unsafe to truly witness the depths of our souls given our family constellation. We may have been brought up in a society that teaches us to focus more on the collective than ourselves. It's possible that we were raised in family that didn't value feelings or emotional expression and so it was tampered and given a lesser than status on the totem pole of human experience. Needless to say...life happens and in the midst of it we are subject to our surroundings, models, and experience. As we get older...and especially if we are on a spiritual path...things begin to come to light. The shadows begin to become illuminated and we become curious about ourselves and all of the workings. For me...I notice the physicality of things first and begin to peel back what is triggering a certain physical response to a situation. It has taken me years to get to this place because I was born into a family that was not particularly open to the intense emotionality of my being. I learned at an early age that too many emotions were not okay and to feel on such a deep level meant there was something wrong with me. I spent many of my formative years bouncing between psychiatrists who wanted to medicate me and psychologists who were trying to understand or create issues within my family. Eventually...the internal turmoil created an "adaptive" mechanism in me which manifested itself in many unhealthy ways. I lived in this space for a long, long time. I learned to adjust my emotions to only express themselves through anger as this seemed acceptable...and that level of reactivity created more stored pain and trauma which in turn manifested itself into more physical and relational stored traumas within my body. And the cycle continued to whirl around me for many, many years. Fast forward to a certain relationship...a certain unraveling...and a particular time in my life when I was ready to unfold...and the walls came crashing down. I spent a year intensely evaluating, uncovering, and releasing lifetimes of stories, pains, emotions, incidents that had all created this cloaked version of who was actually residing inside. It was uncomfortable...it was sad....it was challenging...but it opened my eyes to all that I had been holding on to. And in the uncovering...I arrived at a clear witness perspective. I was able to see all of the pieces and integrate them and allow them to come into the light....
So....this Aries moon. I don't know what it is about Aries and me but it brings out the deep darkness, fear, and turmoil. This particular moon brought the pieces back to the surface which I thought I had released....and this taught me something very valuable. These stored traumas and experiences...they quite possibly are never fully released. They are these intricate pieces of what has shaped us into who we are. They are a part of our story...our herstory. To dismiss them as processed and gone is almost to put them back into hiding. They are there. The stories. And I love them because they have made me who I am. The beauty is that now..in the uncovering and knowing...I can witness them and hold them in love...I can allow them to be present when they need the space to be...and I can do so without a reactivity. I can allow them their space to breathe while not rewriting their scripts or making them the forefront of my experience. The discomfort I experienced over those four days of this particular moon, coupled with my own willingness to sit in the fire, has brought me to a new space of personal understanding and awareness of the expansive possibilities on this human plane. It is such a powerful thing to know that this too shall pass. And even if it doesn't pass as quickly as we would like...if we allow it, and ourselves, the space to be what it is....it will give us greater insight into our own workings and our own personal needs and desires.
My takeaway from all of this is that all of the pieces are beautiful and important. And sometimes...it's the ugly uncomfortable seemingly wretched ones that are the greatest gifts. Rather than attempting to cloak them and pretend as if we are something we are not...we give ourselves the freedom to show up fully as is in real time with one another. Especially now that we are living in such a digital age where we can easily fabricate a world on screen that promotes a one sided life of perfection, beauty, and ease...it is imperative that we exist in our humanness. And it is imperative that we allow one another the space to be wholly human in all of the intricacies and pieces that come with that incarnation. More than anything though...this moon showed me the importance of showing up every minute of every day to myself without judgment or shame. It unveiled the pieces of me that are still wounded and need a little more love and attention. All pieces that I have acknowledged but slowly began tucking away again because it's safer.
I don't want to live safe. I want to live out loud. Fully and freely me. In all the spaces and pieces that come with that. Sometimes it's ugly...sometimes quiet. Sometimes it's loud and aggressive and intense. Sometimes it's soft and vulnerable. But all of those pieces are me. And they all deserve to have their space to be seen and loved an acknowledged. This human experience....it's so layered and multi-faceted. I choose to experience all of it. I refuse to hide from any of the pieces so that I may expand into my highest self and in turn acknowledge and recognize that in you.
Thank you Aries moon. Thank you.
What a ride that was. I spent the whole of last weekend tangled up in a web of all my old stories and tapes. I'm not even sure I knew what was happening as it was happening...just that it was. And the emotional upheaval that came with it...wheweeee. It was a lot. But I also learned a lot and have come out on the other side in this new way so I wanted to share what I learned....
First there is great power in allowing. I didn't try to fight any of what was coming up or what I was feeling. I allowed the space to exist as it was. I witnessed the feelings and the thoughts without any additional story telling....or at least I attempted not to write new stories. There were moments where old tape came up mixed with an old pattern of wanting to rewind and replay with new details...but I just allowed the space to exist and attempted to maintain the witness perspective. Sometimes...the feels were incredibly overpowering and intense...almost physically revolting...so in those moments I would work to soften to allow them their voice and then to release from the space in which they had been holding on.
Secondly...if we do not allow things to have their proper movement and process they will become stored in our tissues, memories, psyches, and permeate our relationships. This comes with a certain level of unknowing because once the feeling or energy is stored...it embeds itself into places and makes itself at home. It may show itself at inopportune moments...but because the energy was never allowed the proper space the first time around...it's stuck in a limbo of trying to be recognized and processed coupled with personal fear of the initial incident, situation, or trauma that created the holding. This fear usually exists on a subconscious level because the trauma of the incident (as we have perceived it) was so great that at the time it occurred we were unable to recognize or process it on the conscious level. So....here we have an incident that was so personally intense to us that we created an adaptive lifestyle around it to potentially avoid facing it head on coupled with a lifetime of reactivity whenever it is triggered and a certain unknowing of what is actually happening when the triggering happens. The best space we can allow ourselves to be in at any given time is one of fully present awareness. The space in which we are here now with our thoughts, breath, emotions, and physical sensations so that in the moments of such incidents we are able to recognize and process what is happening and not hold on to and store it for a lifetime of unwinding and reactivity.
Thirdly...being witness to the self is a truly challenging place to be. It requires a deep level of commitment and honesty that many of us have not been taught in our young or adult lives. We have grown up in a world that has taught various levels of cloaking and hiding the essence of who we are for various reasons. It may be unsafe to truly witness the depths of our souls given our family constellation. We may have been brought up in a society that teaches us to focus more on the collective than ourselves. It's possible that we were raised in family that didn't value feelings or emotional expression and so it was tampered and given a lesser than status on the totem pole of human experience. Needless to say...life happens and in the midst of it we are subject to our surroundings, models, and experience. As we get older...and especially if we are on a spiritual path...things begin to come to light. The shadows begin to become illuminated and we become curious about ourselves and all of the workings. For me...I notice the physicality of things first and begin to peel back what is triggering a certain physical response to a situation. It has taken me years to get to this place because I was born into a family that was not particularly open to the intense emotionality of my being. I learned at an early age that too many emotions were not okay and to feel on such a deep level meant there was something wrong with me. I spent many of my formative years bouncing between psychiatrists who wanted to medicate me and psychologists who were trying to understand or create issues within my family. Eventually...the internal turmoil created an "adaptive" mechanism in me which manifested itself in many unhealthy ways. I lived in this space for a long, long time. I learned to adjust my emotions to only express themselves through anger as this seemed acceptable...and that level of reactivity created more stored pain and trauma which in turn manifested itself into more physical and relational stored traumas within my body. And the cycle continued to whirl around me for many, many years. Fast forward to a certain relationship...a certain unraveling...and a particular time in my life when I was ready to unfold...and the walls came crashing down. I spent a year intensely evaluating, uncovering, and releasing lifetimes of stories, pains, emotions, incidents that had all created this cloaked version of who was actually residing inside. It was uncomfortable...it was sad....it was challenging...but it opened my eyes to all that I had been holding on to. And in the uncovering...I arrived at a clear witness perspective. I was able to see all of the pieces and integrate them and allow them to come into the light....
So....this Aries moon. I don't know what it is about Aries and me but it brings out the deep darkness, fear, and turmoil. This particular moon brought the pieces back to the surface which I thought I had released....and this taught me something very valuable. These stored traumas and experiences...they quite possibly are never fully released. They are these intricate pieces of what has shaped us into who we are. They are a part of our story...our herstory. To dismiss them as processed and gone is almost to put them back into hiding. They are there. The stories. And I love them because they have made me who I am. The beauty is that now..in the uncovering and knowing...I can witness them and hold them in love...I can allow them to be present when they need the space to be...and I can do so without a reactivity. I can allow them their space to breathe while not rewriting their scripts or making them the forefront of my experience. The discomfort I experienced over those four days of this particular moon, coupled with my own willingness to sit in the fire, has brought me to a new space of personal understanding and awareness of the expansive possibilities on this human plane. It is such a powerful thing to know that this too shall pass. And even if it doesn't pass as quickly as we would like...if we allow it, and ourselves, the space to be what it is....it will give us greater insight into our own workings and our own personal needs and desires.
My takeaway from all of this is that all of the pieces are beautiful and important. And sometimes...it's the ugly uncomfortable seemingly wretched ones that are the greatest gifts. Rather than attempting to cloak them and pretend as if we are something we are not...we give ourselves the freedom to show up fully as is in real time with one another. Especially now that we are living in such a digital age where we can easily fabricate a world on screen that promotes a one sided life of perfection, beauty, and ease...it is imperative that we exist in our humanness. And it is imperative that we allow one another the space to be wholly human in all of the intricacies and pieces that come with that incarnation. More than anything though...this moon showed me the importance of showing up every minute of every day to myself without judgment or shame. It unveiled the pieces of me that are still wounded and need a little more love and attention. All pieces that I have acknowledged but slowly began tucking away again because it's safer.
I don't want to live safe. I want to live out loud. Fully and freely me. In all the spaces and pieces that come with that. Sometimes it's ugly...sometimes quiet. Sometimes it's loud and aggressive and intense. Sometimes it's soft and vulnerable. But all of those pieces are me. And they all deserve to have their space to be seen and loved an acknowledged. This human experience....it's so layered and multi-faceted. I choose to experience all of it. I refuse to hide from any of the pieces so that I may expand into my highest self and in turn acknowledge and recognize that in you.
Thank you Aries moon. Thank you.
Comments
Post a Comment