COMING HOME

Coming back to the US has been a super challenge; especially this town. There are so many old stories and tapes playing all the time. I've run into myself from the beginning of last decade at least five times. And she's someone that I believed I had made peace with. But she's come back to teach me potentially the most profound lesson of my life thus far. I have been holding myself from BEing myself fully in the world. And I have found cause with every single person, situation, and place other than me to be the reason for my lack of realization when the reality is that it has always and will always be the deck that I am holding and my own dealings that determine the way my game is played. I have somehow managed to blame each character or space for my shortcomings giving all my power to the outside and relinquishing the endless dives of ancient power I hold within. 

So I've had these series of mystical experiences since I've come back. They began with my dark night of the soul. I hit a bottom here I'd not seen in some time. I went deep into the recesses of myself, re-engaging and connecting with pieces of me that I'd long tucked away. A lot of these re-memberings in all honesty were super uncomfortable. I've spent the last two months reconnecting to forgotten eras and ages. Remembering all of the uncertainties and insecurities, the lack of confidence and incessant pull of the esoteric world, awkward encounters with men that forever left me a little left of center, the constant uncertainty of the path that was unfolding and the divine guidance with which it was doing so....so anyways....there was a day about two weeks ago when I found out there was a bicycle here at the house. I have always been a lover of riding; small bikes. too big bikes, stationary bikes (though this is only acceptable as a last resort in a cold winter wonderland). clown bikes. racing bikes. cruisers.....all the bikes. 

On this day I had been in the tornado of my mind and reached a breaking point. In the midst of the eye of the storm I had the wherewithal to drop into my body. Immediately I was overwhelmed with the flood of emotions that rose to the surface. Sensation at first in very concentrated parts of my body turned to feels...all of them at once. All I could do was cradle my eyes in the palms of my hands and weep. In this moment the inside of my forehead radiated a purple light with a cross in the center. Peculiar. I surrendered into this light...awakening. Once I was able to reweave my breath with my body,  I collected my belongings and went for a cruise on my purple bike. I was originally planning to take Castle to the river but...alas...God had other plans. Unsure of exactly which way to go I decided to tune into my inner chat...the slightest nuance was acknowledged in the moment and honored. In so doing I wound up in a pocket of historic churches that all sit in a few blocks radius in this town. My spirit was deeply drawn upon each approach. Let us take pause here for a minor side discussion: 





 I was raised in the Catholic church from a young age. Something never quite sat right with me in the teachings that were being handed to me and so (as apparently is my way) I questioned all of it. I was fortunate to have a mother who somehow always had a book or a level of support for all of the questioning that transpired. So something about my church experience led to a disconnect between myself and Jesus. I would always say "I think Jesus was a righteous guy...but..." 

He is my light and my salvation. Something has happened from these mystical experiences in my own unraveling and surrender to God. How is it that each time I find myself on a bike ride I wind up exploring churches and seeing the sun of God? Illumination is happening on a deep level right now. There is an awakening that is happening. Are you listening? Do you feel it? Do you remember? 

So here I am...deep mystical experience. Rode my bike...accidentally found all these beautiful churches and then am blessed with a light show. and THEN....a week later......I get on my purple bike again...this time with a little more forethought as I was drawn to the North side. Brooklyn Arts they call it these days. Wanted to see what that meant. Yet again I encountered another accidental church. Another light show. 


So now I'm kind of listening. I'm remembering and connecting deep within and I'm seeing that light. I'm remembering my heart space and how filled it is every time I return home. All the feelings and stories, insecurities and lurings...they all reside inside of me calling to take up space. When I am intimately in tune with God I remember my only truth and the peace it brings. That awakening to remembering. My whole reality in divine purpose because I am that I am. Every single time I step into nature and breathe ; we are divinity ; When I see you - you see Me. I have created my box of stories and restrictions while bitching all day about society instead of shifting. So...wherever you go there you are. Here I am. Awakening to my remembering. And guess what...there is no box and a whole lot of magic. Living free. BEing. 

Something is happening. There is a rumbling. Are you feeling? Are you listening? Remembering? You. Are. Amazing. This whole experience is amazing and you get 100% freedom to tune in and connect to you: your voice. your truth. your experience. your challenges. your misconceptions. your uncertainties. your unknowings. your sinewy underbelly. your awakening: but this I ask...hear it all. And remember that You are in the drivers seat. There may be uncomfortable undercurrents at times that long to be sent back to whence they came...but listen to understand their medicine; listen intently before reacting externally; fluidly and freely integrating the shadow and light reality to show up authentically. In your medicine. Again and again. 

I don't know where I'm going but I'm remembering where I've been. And my God it's been absolutely brilliant so far. 





I GIVE THANKS. 

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